Wednesday, February 18, 2009

What are we to do???

Aah, the roller coaster ride is far from over. Last week was a bad one, at first I was enthusiastic that things may be headed in the right direction. Our government was on board, the Dep MOE was willing (after a year of requests) to meet with our Consulate, the new MOE was finally in place and my husband took me on a surprise vacation :) God love him!!!. Certainly letters were coming and that is what they were telling us.... Yep, this is where you get to call me ignorant because I fell for the nonsense and lies again. Instead we have to wait for new recommendations from yet another new committee and those will not be made until March 20th. After that we will have to wait for Parliament to act on the recommendations and then of course, all the other delays that will follow. With that announcement we lost Addison's first birthday. Just that quick. What is wrong with these people and for that matter what is wrong with me??? I guess that is where the mother's love comes in. I want Addison home so badly that I find hope where ever I can get it and some days I bank too much on the thought that something has to give at some point. The harsh reality is that may be far from the truth.

Last week we were blessed with a 20 minute video of our little one. She is beautiful but her delays are absolutely heart breaking for me. At 10 months, she is functioning at a 3-4 month level. I know in my heart that at this point we could fix all of that with some good old fashion TLC. But here comes the hard part, what will she look like in six months, twelve months or beyond. What if we never get her home??And that is where my anger at this whole mess becomes pure sadness. I feel like I have a dying child - we have named her, held her, fought for her and have fell in love with her and yet, it seems that we are never going to get her home. The parallels with my patients that have terminal illnesses and the process that we, the doctors, and the families go through is uncanny. I feel like it is time to start having the serious conversations about the "end" and admitting defeat. Although, we want Addison home more than anything, I think that it time to really demand the truth and start asking the really hard questions.

If they, the Kyrgyz government, is never going to have the gumption to sign off on our cases then I wish that they would just tell us. The ongoing roller coaster is exhausting. It is like having an elephant on my heart. I can't escape it or get away from my worries. I have become consumed by this adoption - I spend countless hours, worrying, thinking/planning what I can do to help Addison and the other children. I can't do this indefinitely and my family can't tolerate me for much longer. I can't let another year be defined by this adoption mess yet I can't let go yet. So where does that leave me... for now, I continue to fight to have her home and wewill see what the next few months brings. After that I just don't know.

Keep the prayers coming. My fabulous adoption friends and all our precious children need them.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Just precious pictures...

Little Ms. Addison is not looking so little any more.

Look at those thighs! I love them!