Wednesday, February 18, 2009

What are we to do???

Aah, the roller coaster ride is far from over. Last week was a bad one, at first I was enthusiastic that things may be headed in the right direction. Our government was on board, the Dep MOE was willing (after a year of requests) to meet with our Consulate, the new MOE was finally in place and my husband took me on a surprise vacation :) God love him!!!. Certainly letters were coming and that is what they were telling us.... Yep, this is where you get to call me ignorant because I fell for the nonsense and lies again. Instead we have to wait for new recommendations from yet another new committee and those will not be made until March 20th. After that we will have to wait for Parliament to act on the recommendations and then of course, all the other delays that will follow. With that announcement we lost Addison's first birthday. Just that quick. What is wrong with these people and for that matter what is wrong with me??? I guess that is where the mother's love comes in. I want Addison home so badly that I find hope where ever I can get it and some days I bank too much on the thought that something has to give at some point. The harsh reality is that may be far from the truth.

Last week we were blessed with a 20 minute video of our little one. She is beautiful but her delays are absolutely heart breaking for me. At 10 months, she is functioning at a 3-4 month level. I know in my heart that at this point we could fix all of that with some good old fashion TLC. But here comes the hard part, what will she look like in six months, twelve months or beyond. What if we never get her home??And that is where my anger at this whole mess becomes pure sadness. I feel like I have a dying child - we have named her, held her, fought for her and have fell in love with her and yet, it seems that we are never going to get her home. The parallels with my patients that have terminal illnesses and the process that we, the doctors, and the families go through is uncanny. I feel like it is time to start having the serious conversations about the "end" and admitting defeat. Although, we want Addison home more than anything, I think that it time to really demand the truth and start asking the really hard questions.

If they, the Kyrgyz government, is never going to have the gumption to sign off on our cases then I wish that they would just tell us. The ongoing roller coaster is exhausting. It is like having an elephant on my heart. I can't escape it or get away from my worries. I have become consumed by this adoption - I spend countless hours, worrying, thinking/planning what I can do to help Addison and the other children. I can't do this indefinitely and my family can't tolerate me for much longer. I can't let another year be defined by this adoption mess yet I can't let go yet. So where does that leave me... for now, I continue to fight to have her home and wewill see what the next few months brings. After that I just don't know.

Keep the prayers coming. My fabulous adoption friends and all our precious children need them.


  1. Just we also thought--nothing else can go has.....our home study agency is on a list "banned" from Russia for adoption home studies (as well as about 200 other home study agencies). So we are delayed until our "new" home study agency can get us an updated home study on their letterhead to send to Russia; more apostilles, more time, more waiting. What's next? We are nearing the end of our rope and we've never gotten as close as you are to bringing a child home. My heart breaks for you as I know how this just drags on and consumes; wanting to more forward with life, but constantly being held back.
    Hugs and Prayers for you and Addison and the Kyrg government to let the babies come home!
    God Bless,

  2. I feel for you and know exactly how you feel. Do we admit defeat at this point? I just don't know but like you I feel they are never going to let us have our babies and I just want them to tell us so. I pray for our babies and for some glimmer of hope.

  3. The love that you have for Addison is powerful, Suzanne! And, the energy that is moving the adoption is equally as powerful right now. For whatever reason, I'm not even close to throwing in the towel. God has something up His sleeve...I am sure of this.

    Hang in there, He has called you to be part of something incredibly important. And, your role is critical.

    Keep the faith, my friend!


  4. I know there aren't words I can say to make this situation any better... My heart aches for you and for Addison. We will continue to pray.

  5. I've read this post several times ove the last few days, and continue to wait to post a comment because I'm not sure what to say to make you feel better. Somehow, I suppose I know that it's not my "job" to make you feel better, but I think of you all the time and of Addison and the other babies stuck in limbo. I'm certain God can pull this out, Suzanne. The amount of faith required for this is HUGE, but after what we went through with Ellie, I see that He absolutely still works miracles. We shouldn't have our daughter now, but we do. And you will too. I don't know what's going on with the Kyrgz government but I am reassured that they are making efforts to redefine their processes and not just saying, "closed". I wish I could be where you are to give you a huge hug!!