Friday, September 19, 2008

My saddest day

I guess it is time to tell our whole story and it is so different from what I have been excitedly waiting to blog about. Last week we were told that we had finally been granted a court date for next week. September 25th was going to be a huge days of celebration for the Bilyeu family! We were ecstatic about it particularly because our coordinator had been called by the courts, asking for our documents and then a few days later set a court date. This was the first true movement since we left two and a half months ago and it had been initiated by the court instead of by our coordinator. I just knew that things were going to be OK for Addison. We were going to actually have travel dates by the end of next week and I could hardly contain my excitement. We were going to get our precious baby home! Ansley and I did a little baby shopping and we were making plan to finally paint and decorate the nursery for next weekend. Life was good and I finally felt like I could breathe again.

Today, we were notified that we were no longer have a court date. Apparently, in addition to the judge and our coordinator, an adoption specialist from Tokok has to be present at court. By report she was notified of the date and our coordinator talked to her and all was OK. Then today our coordinator called to make sure that everything we set for next week, you know just 6 days away, and the adoption specialist left for Italy yesterday. Get this she is going to be gone for a MONTH so no court for us. No new date can even be ventured at at this time. Of course, I will let you all read between the lines but I find this whole story very difficult to swallow. I am going to leave it at that because I am so upset and sad right now that I may write things that I may come to regret.

What is wrong with these people? I have always believed that people are inherently good and that is especially true when it comes to children, now I am thinking that this clearly does not apply to the very people that are charged with caring for Kyrgyzstan's most volunerable population, the precious orphans.

I just don't know what to do....

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Beautiful Pearls of Wisdom

Before I do some more sharing, I want to share the new pictures of Addison. Isn't she just adorable. Now if I could just see more smiles. Apparently she can do it but just not for the camera. I have to admit that she is looking OK. I have resigned myself with the fact that she is not going to look great (i.e. fat and happy) until we have her home so I will be content with her holding her own. We were supposed to have updated measurements today but apparently the electricity shortage is hampering the situation. Saule couldn't find them with candle light so she could not read them off to our coordinator. Maybe tomorrow.

I thought that I would add a few more pearls that other PAPs shared with me in response to my last post. ( Thanks ladies! )

*You see, God formed Addison; He loves her more than you ever can or will (even though that's hard to believe, I know!!). Because of that, there is no one better equipped to take care of her every need than He is. But I know that God has chosen you to be her mother and that He is working out the details in His time and His way and in some way, for His glory. We are told that His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are higher than ours. It is SO HARD. I know; I've been there. But, you are most definitely on the right path. God is the author of peace; Satan is the author of lies, confusion and, sadly, running in circles. When you let go and trust, I know you will see miracles.
* God took the Israelites on the 'long way' to the promise land when he could have taken a more direct path. Why would God ever take us on the long way, especially when it takes us into a spiritual and physical desert? Why would a loving God do that? Doesn't He want what is best for us? Doesn't He want us to be happy and to not suffer? After coming up with possible answers, like that God was trying to build character or show them He was true to His promises - the surgeon told us that we have to consider that sometimes it isn't just about our journey. In that particular passage, God took the Israelites on a long way to spare another ethnic group that lived along the route. Had the Israelites traveled that way there would have surely been bloodshed and turmoil in order for them to pass. GOd has the big picture in mind. Hard for us to understand but true.
*God created the whole world in 6 days...what did I do last week??? He is big enough to handle the court system in Kyrgyzstan and big enough to care for our babies and this situation.

Again, this post will be a great reminder to me to keep my faith and maybe it will help others too. I will tell you that I have been breathing easier and sleeping better.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

5 months old today and I am on a new path

Well our precious baby girl is 5 months old today. We are anxiously awaiting the pictures that our coordinator took over the weekend. Saule thinks that she is looking good which is so nice to hear.

We left Kyrgyzstan 2 months ago today and during the wait I have had the opportunity to do a lot of soul searching and I think that thanks to a colleague, I think I have made a very important turning point. I am going to include an email that I sent to 3of my dearest friends on last Sunday night. The goal is not to bore people but so that I can look back, read the post and have it serve as a reminder of the new path that I am going to try to take.

As I sit here in front of my candles, fragrance and all, I thought I would tell you about the amazing conversation that I had at work on Friday. It is a little religions which is something that we haven't emailed a lot about but I think that it is pertinent to all of us. One of our pediatric surgeons adopted a toddler from Russia in the spring of 2007 and she checks in with me from time to time to see how things are going with our adoption. She has been hard to get to know and not that open with her personal life or emotions but I guess that Friday was an exception. I had just finished updating her on Addison's health and the general state of affairs when she reminded me of some of the obstacles they had faced when waiting to bring their little boy home. Same sort of thing, corrupt judges, problems with the MOE, ect and all of which lead to a 4 month delay in bringing home her child. Well, she had done exactly what I have been doing. She was obsessed with being proactive and did her best to find ways to help get him home sooner and just like all of us, had absolutely no luck. After she told me about all of that that she asked me about how religious I am. I told her that I have always believed in God and that He has a special place in my life, especially in terms of this adoption. Not to mentioned that I have never prayed so much in my life as I have the last several months. So then she told me this story. I am going to paraphrase it but you will get the point and I am probably going to not do it justice but here goes.

The Jews had been stranded in Egypt for centuries and they were so excited when God sent them Moses to show them to the "promised land". However, once they got to across the red sea they realized that they had not been led to the promised land but instead into a desert. Needless to say, they were very angry and sad. GOd left them there for FORTY years! They tried everything that they could think of in order to leave but had absolutely no luck. It was not until they put their complete trust in God and had true faith in him that He finally led them out of the desert. It was not until they totally trusted in him and believed in him that they were rewarded.

She said that once she stopped running in circles, and truly put her faith in God to bring her little guy home did things start to happen. It was only then that she was at peace and was able to deal with all of the stress of the situation. We were both in tears at the end of the story and I told her that I understood the similarities but that I have felt like I needed to do everything in my power to help Addison. Once I even tried backing away and then felt guilt that I was not doing enough to try to help her so back I went to running in circles. I just can't seem to win and yet either way, it is consuming a ton of my emotional energy. She just smiled and told me to have faith and that God will take care of her.

I have thought about this a ton this weekend and I think that there is so much to be said about this. I do believe that God has his watchful eye on our precious babies and undoubtedly has a plan for all of us but Danielle (the surgeon) is right in that we need to have more faith in His wisdom. Not to mention that in spite of our hours and hours of communicating, emailing, and problem solving, we have not truly been able to influence the situation. We have been able to give each other the amazing strength and encouragement to continue on this path but have done nothing to change the situation for our babies. I know that is a hard statement to swallow but a true one. I still believe that knowledge is power and I will continue to learn as much as I can but I am also going to try to relinguish some of my worry and heart ache to God and try my best to have more faith in him.

So at the end of our conversation, I walked away, prayed and I collected myself for rounds. At the end of rounds, I had a call from our coordinator stating that the court was asking for some our documents and that she is hopeful that is a sign that things may start moving again. I think that God sent his message to me loud and clear- first, an eye opening conversation from an unlikely person and then a call with some signs of hope. Well, I listened and am going to do my best to step back and truly put my faith in the Lord.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Last week's pictures

Here are the newest pictures of Addison. They were taken a week ago but due to the significant electricity/energy shortages there was almost a week's delay in getting them emailed out to our coordinator here in the States. Her weight is up to 4998g which is right at 11 lbs. Not great for a baby who is going to be 5 months old in a few days but at least she is back on the growth curve and holding on at the 3%. Far from where I think that she should be. No other new news on the Tokmok courts.

The fall season is almost on us now and I am getting more and more anxious about the long winter that lay ahead. They are having a severe energy crisis in Kyrgyzstan and only anticipate it getting worse this winter. At this time are having scheduled rolling backouts that last 6-8 hours a day in an attempt to conserve some energy for the winter. Can you imagine how dark and cold it could be for our babies if we do not get them home before then??? I know that it is a rhetorical question but I just don't understand why those babies can not just be sent home sooner than later....

I can't wait for the day when I have some good news to post and I do believe that the day will come, I just hope that it is in the near future.